Easter is my favorite holiday (Halloween comes in a close second, ironically. Maybe it's cos it is the one day I, as an adult, can play dress up without shame). I very much look forward to worshipping on Sunday (raising palm branches in praise and celebration of Jesus' resurrection). It is a joy-filled, life affirming celebration that speaks to me on a visceral level since I have struggled with depression for many years. The theme of "rising from the dead" hits me straight on anew every year. I love this focus on Jesus' vindication by Godde and it's apparent meaning that Godde is love and that love never stays dead
It's good news because, sometimes, life sucks. Things go haywire. People get hurt or harmed by others or by happenstance. Easter, to me, demonstrates that Godde is also on the side of and in solidarity with, the down and out: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted; blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." Easter to me, means Godde, the Great Midwife, will bring us through life's birth pains with steady and skilled hands as S/He did for Jesus (see Psalm 22; one of the last sayings of Jesus on the cross according to the Christian scriptures). It is Godde "shaming the wisdom of the wise": Godde loves the poor, the oppressed, and the prisoners! And oh yes, even teh gays; Especially the gays. ;-)
On this year's Holy Week, however, I find myself in a strange position; it has caused more angst than usual; this says something because, well, angst is my speciality. There are three components to my unease: appropriation, my changing beliefs, and the centrality of shame during Holy Week. You will get an earful on each. :-)
First, as much as our Christian supremacist culture would like us to believe the resurrection belongs exclusively to Christianity, this is just blatantly false. Before Jesus, Isis wept for, and resurrected, the Egyptian Osiris after he was dismembered by Set; the Sumerian Inanna was hung on a meat hook when she descended into the underworld to visit her sister-in-law and was resurrected by the god of wisdom. Persephone, in Greek myth, was abducted by Hades and taken to the underworld. Her absence during half the year is said to have caused her mother Demeter to institute the seasons (when Persephone is gone, the earth lies cold and barren). And then, of course, we have Easter itself. Eostre was the Anglo-Saxon goddess of spring whose festival, along with the painted eggs and bunny (both fertility symbols. I am not exactly sure where the chocolate came from) Christianity adapted and integrated into worship of Jesus. Eggs which symbolized fertility began to represent the empty tomb of Jesus. This Easter, I am painfully aware of the cultural appropriation implicit in our celebration of the resurrection.
Then, there is a controversial, very unorthodox (in the non-Greek orthodox sense)set of beliefs I hold about the atonement. Like other Christians, I believe Jesus is Godde incarnate, that he died "for" or because of human sin, mainly because of human mistrust and fear of love. But, I do not believe Godde necessarily needed a human sacrifice in order to forgive us or, if an "objective" sacrifice was needed, it was for different reasons than orthodoxy holds.
For instance, Pre-crucifixion, Jesus went around forgiving in Godde's name prodigally. The woman caught in adultery. "Dirty, filthy" tax collectors like Zaccehus. Everybody was welcome at his table. In His culture, sharing meals meant with someone meant you completely accepted and welcomed them.
Jesus dined with sinners. If Christians take seriously that Jesus was the "perfect representation" of Godde's being, it does not follow that Godde is literally "too pure to look on human sin." I'm pretty sure He "looked upon" sin on a daily basis while on Earth and never scourged Himself before taking meals with "rabble."
I think Godde can and does forgive without sacrifice; but I also believe the atonement was important because it removed all the obstacles between believers (for those whose path is Christian) and Godde. It was not necessarily for Godde's benefit, but for ours. In my mind, it was Godde with outstretched arms declaring "no matter what you think separates Me from you, you're wrong. Whatever fearful image you have acquired of Me, it has been crucified along with My body. However unworthy you feel, I will die out of love for you to prove you wrong."
Even though I know this is prooftexting, there is a passage in the Christian scriptures that seems to support my claim. Before He heals a paralytic, He first declares the man's sins forgiven. At face value, it seems to be a narrative about Jesus' authority to forgive sins and heal; it might also be. But the thing I find so striking here is that Jesus forgives the man's sins before He heals the man's body. I think it speaks to man's (and our) shame. Some have suggested that back then disability was seen as a curse from Godde for sin (things have not changed much in 2000 years, apparently.) It also limited that person's access to the temple; I think they had to stay in the outer courts? So, they lie on the ground separate from others, they probably experienced their life as a curse, and could not approach Godde.
By forgiving Him, I think Jesus was removing the stigma and shame the man had internalized while he was disabled, the sense of being cursed and unworthy. This spiritual healing, I think, may have been the only reason Jesus could heal his body. Otherwise, tha man might not have cooperated. Jesus completely restored him to society and to Godde. I do not see any discontinuity between the spiritual and physical here at all. The interpretations of the story tend to set them up hierarchally (spirituality out ranks bodily healing) but I think this conclusion ain't necessarily so.
Of course, on the days I believe in an objective atonement (it varies from day to day) I tend to go with "Jesus became sin and Godde condemned the sin as an object, not the people whom sin injures on all levels." Wayne Jacobson's (author of He Loves Me) interpretation. That Jesus absorbed all the world's sin in order to inoculate us from it. In this definition, sin is not a list of arbitrary rules or regulations, but all things that injure or distort love. The things that make our spirit's small and our hearts cold. The Holy Spirit transforms the person's spirit and soul.
Lastly, I am really sick of guilt and shame in my faith.
I'm done. Just done.
On one hand, healthy guilt is a good and necessary thing. If you hurt someone, guilt can help motivate you to make things right. Healthy guilt prevents one from punching babies and animals in the face. Some people, though probably not many, are benefited by this.
Christians call this (sometimes) healthy state of guilt conviction. A lot of this can be healthy because it allows one to assess and assume responsibility for their choices.
But when it crosses a certain threshold, it becomes toxic and shame follows. The thought goes from "I did something wrong" to "I AM wrong."
In Christianity, especially when processing Good Friday, we often think of and catalogue all our sins, what we've done to put Jesus on the cross. During good friday, I find it really difficult to cop to my sins (or, if you'd prefer, my mistakes) because admitting the truth, in the traditional sense, means that I killed Godde. It is a staggering existential burden (who can handle it)? It's not like I chose to be born "in sin." (Unless I did choose to be born, as some ancient Christians, and some Eastern and neo-pagan religions believe, before this incarnation).
For me, obviously, this self-review immediately goes from guilt to shame. Ok, I can be an arrogant, bawdy, self-righteous, flake. Does this mean I am unworthy of life? Every fiber of my being resists this existential threat.
It is too much to bear and I can't believe Godde created us for such a heavy weight.
I am undecided as to what "original sin" is or if I believe it exists in the traditional formulation. Looking at my two year old nephew, whose heart is still pure and sweet argues against the idea we are born completely wretched. I do know we have both the potential for doing good, pro-social things and bad, anti-social things; healthy and damaging things.
Not that I think religion's entire purpose is to make you feel all warm and fuzzy all the time, its purpose is transformation and transformation often hurts. Forgiving, for instance, though highly transformative, is probably the hardest thing one can do.
Though, at the same time, a religion that makes you hate yourself just for being born is...evil. It is not wrong to be a human. It is not wrong to feel anger or to be proud of a job well done. It is not wrong to be somewhat independent (or interdependent).
I think my problem is that Christianity lost parts of its story. According to Brian Mcclaren (or Rob Bell. Oh who can keep track of all these emerging Christian writers) *my apologies to Scott Mcknight: this was his ideas* three stories predominate and interweave: the sin and salvation story, the liberation story, and redemption story. We only focus on the sin and salvation story, which is useful if you feel guilty or ashamed about something. Though, if you're an African-American/woman in a mostly white/male workplace and are being discriminated against, you don't need to be "forgiven" for this; you might need Godde's help to forgive and to route out corrosive bitterness, but you most likely need the story of liberation. You need to hear that Godde is a safe place for the oppressed and a liberator. If you've been sexually assaulted, you definitely do not need forgiveness. You might need Godde the redeemer, the healer. You need to know Godde brings beauty out of ashes, or be reminded about the resurrection and Jesus' solidarity with sufferers.
"Being forgiven" isn't always the best answer. Sometimes it has to be okay to just "be."
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